Cathys Corner

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Jokes to make you laugh...

I love a good joke as much as the next person...clean or dirty, it doesn't matter. But, if it does for you, I separated the clean from the dirty!!!

The Age of Reason

I took my two sons, ages seven and five, to the playground at our local park. My seven year old was very proud that he was able to read to his brother the sign with all the rules posted for the playground.
1. Do not jump on the merry-go-round when in motion.
2. Go down the slide while sitting only.
3. Only one child on a swing at a time.

There were about twenty rules and the boys promised to obey them all, if I would trust them and let them play without me standing by to watch.

They said that they were too old to be watched and their friends would tease them calling them babies if I stayed. I made them promise to be good and obey the rules, and rejoined my wife preparing our picnic lunch.

When it was time to get the children, I decided to watch them at a distance for a while to see how reliable they were in following my instructions. I found that they obeyed most of the printed instructions.

That is, all but one... They would each get on the tall semicircular slide and slide down head-first or backward. Angrily, I walked to the children and escorted them over to the posted regulations.

I asked my seven year old read to them aloud once again - paying special attention to the rules about the slide. Then I asked them what they had to say for themselves.

My five year old answered immediately: "Don't be silly Daddy - they don't use slide rules anymore.

Ten Rules of Housekeeping

1. Vacuuming too often weakens the carpet fibers. Say this with a serious face, and shudder delicately whenever anyone mentions Carpet Fresh.

2. Dust bunnies cannot evolve into dust rhinos when disturbed. Rename the area under the couch "The Galapagos Islands" and claim an ecological exemption.

3. Layers of dirty film on windows and screens provide a helpful filter against harmful and aging rays from the sun. Call it an SPF factor of 5 and leave it alone.

4. Cobwebs artfully draped over lampshades reduces the glare from the bulb, thereby creating a romantic atmosphere. If your husband points out that the light fixtures need dusting, simply look affronted and exclaim, "What? And spoil the mood?"

5. In a pinch, you can always claim that the haphazard tower of unread magazines and newspapers next to your chair provides the valuable Fen Shui aspect of a tiger, thereby reducing your vulnerability. Roll your eyes when you say this.

6. Explain the mound of pet hair brushed up against the doorways by claiming you are collecting it there to use for stuffing handsewn play animals for underprivileged children. |

7. If unexpected company is coming, pile everything unsightly into one room and close the door. As you show your guests through your tidy home, rattle the door knob vigorously, fake a growl and say, "I'd love you to see our Den, but Fluffy hates to be disturbed and the shots are SO expensive."

8. If dusting is REALLY out of control, simply place a showy urn on the coffee table and insist that "THIS is where Grandma wanted us to scatter her ashes..."

9. Don't bother repainting. Simply scribble lightly over a dirty wall with an assortment of crayons, and try to muster a glint of tears as you say, "Junior did this the week before that unspeakable accident... I haven't had the heart to clean it..."

10. Mix one-quarter cup pine-scented household cleaner with four cups of water in a spray bottle. Mist the air lightly. Leave dampened rags in conspicuous locations. Develop an exhausted look, throw yourself onto the couch, and sigh, "I clean and I clean and I still don't get anywhere..."

The Dead Frog

Dead frog test: A true story

A kindergarten teacher had a pupil tell her he had found a frog. She inquired as to whether it was alive or dead.

"Dead," she was informed.

"How do you know?" she asked.

"Because I pissed in his ear," said the child innocently.

"You did WHAT?" squealed the teacher in surprise.

"You know. I leaned over and went 'Pssst'. He didn't move."

Teacher's Pet?

"If there are any idiots in the room, will they please stand up?" said the sarcastic teacher.

After a long silence, one freshman rose to his feet.

"Now then mister, why do you consider yourself an idiot?" enquired the teacher with a sneer.

"Well, actually I don't," said the student, "but I hate to see you standing up there all by yourself." etc.

The Images of a Mother

4 YEARS OF AGE ~ My Mommy can do anything!
8 YEARS OF AGE ~ My Mom knows a lot! A whole lot!
12 YEARS OF AGE ~ My Mother doesn't really know quite everything.
14 YEARS OF AGE ~ Naturally, Mother doesn't know that, either.
16 YEARS OF AGE ~ Mother? She's hopelessly old-fashioned.
18 YEARS OF AGE ~ That old woman? She's way out of date!
25 YEARS OF AGE ~ Well, she might know a little bit about it.
35 YEARS OF AGE ~ Before we decide, let's get Mom's opinion.
45 YEARS OF AGE ~ Wonder what Mom would have thought about it?
65 YEARS OF AGE ~ Wish I could talk it over with Mom.

Antiques

Antiques have become very popular.

Right now there are 15 million Americans who have things that are old, funny-looking, don't work and are only kept for sentimental purposes.

Some of these are called antiques ... and the rest are called husbands.

Letter to the I.R.S.

Dear Sirs:

I am responding to your letter denying the deduction for two of the three dependents I claimed on my 1994 Federal Tax return. Thank you. I have questioned whether these are my children or not for years. They are evil and expensive. It's only fair that since they are minors and not my responsibility that the government (who evidently is taxing me more to
care for these waifs) knows something about them and what to expect over the next year.

You may apply next year to reassign them to me and reinstate the deduction. This year they are yours! The oldest, Kristen, is now 17. She is brilliant. Ask her! I suggest you put her to work in your office where she can answer people's questions about their returns. While she has no formal training, it has not seemed to hamper her knowledge of any other subject you can name. Taxes should be a breeze; Next year she is going to college. I think it's wonderful that you will now be
responsible for that little expense. While you mull that over keep in mind that she has a truck. It doesn't run at the moment so you have the immediate decision of appropriating some Department of Defense funds to fix the vehicle or getting up early to drive her to school. Kristen also has a boyfriend. Oh joy. While she possesses all of the wisdom of the universe, her alleged mother and I have felt it best to occasionally remind her of the virtues ofabstinence. This is always uncomfortable and I am quite relieved you will be handling this in the future.

Patrick is 14. I've had my suspicions about this one. His eyes are a little close together for normal people. He may be a tax examiner himself one day if you do not incarcerate him first. In February I was awakened at three in the morning by a police officer who was bringing Pat home. He and his friends were TP'ing houses. In the future would you like him delivered to
the local IRS office or to Ogden, UT? Kids at 14 will do almost anything on a dare. His hair is purple. Permanent dye, temporary dye, what's the big deal? Learn to deal with it. You'll have plenty of time since he is sitting out a few days of school after instigating a food fight. I'll take care of filing your phone number with the vice principal. Oh yes, he and all of
his friends have raging hormones. This is the house of testosterone and it will be much more peaceful when he lives in your home. DO NOT leave any of them unsupervised with girls, explosives, inflammables, vehicles, or telephones.

Heather is an alien. She slid through a time warp and appeared quite by magic one year. I'm sure this one is yours. She is 10 going on 21. She came from a bad trip in the sixties. She wears tie-dyed clothes, beads, sandals, and hair that looks like Tiny Tim's. Fortunately you will be raising my taxes to help offset the pinch of her remedial reading courses. Hooked On Phonics is expensive so the schools dropped it. Good news!You can buy it yourself for half the amount of the deduction
that you are denying! It's quite obvious that we were terrible parents (ask the other two) so they have helped raise this one to a new level of terror. She cannot speak English. Most people under twenty understand the curious patois she fashioned out of valley girls/boys in the hod/egge/yuppie/political doublespeak. I don't. The school sends her to a speechpathologist who has her roll her R's. It added a refreshing Mexican/Irish touch to her voice. She wears hats backwards, pants baggy and wants one of her ears pierced four more times.There is a fascination with tattoos that worries me but I am sure that you can handle it.Bring a truck when you come to get her, as she sort of "nests" in her room and I think that it would be easier to move the entire thing than find out what it is really made of.

You denied two of the three exemptions so it is only fair you get to pick which two you will take. I prefer that you take the youngest, I will still go bankrupt with Kristen's college but then I am free! If you take the two oldest then I still have time for counseling before Heather becomes a teenager. If you take the two girls then I won't feel so bad about putting Patrick in a military academy. Please let me know of your decision as soon as possible as I have already increased the withholding on my W-4 to cover the $395 in additional tax and to make a down payment on an airplane.

Yours truly,
Robert W.

Editors note: Robert later notified us: "Rats, they allowed the deductions instead of taking the kids!"

Accountants New Job

Fresh out of business school, the young man answered a want ad for an accountant. Now he was being interviewed by a very nervous man who ran a small business that he had started himself.

"I need someone with an accounting degree," the man said. "But mainly, I'm looking for someone to do my worrying for
me."

"Excuse me?" the accountant asked.

"I worry about a lot of things," the man said. "But I don't want to have to worry about money. Your job will be to take all
the money worries off my back."

"I see," the accountant said. "And how much does the job pay?"

"I'll start you at eighty thousand."

"Eighty thousand dollars!" the accountant exclaimed. "How can such a small business afford a sum like that?"

"That," the owner said, "is your first worry."

25 signs that you have grown up...

1. Your potted plants are alive. And you can't smoke a one of them.
2. Having sex in a twin-sized bed is absurd.
3. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.
4. 6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to sleep.
5. You hear your favorite song on an elevator.
6. You carry an umbrella. You watch the Weather Channel.
7. Your friends marry and divorce instead of hookup and breakup.
8. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 7.
9. Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as 'dressed up.'
10. You're the one calling the police because those darn kids next door don't know how to turn down the stereo.
11. Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.
12. You don't know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.
13. Your car insurance goes down and your car payments go up.
14. You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonald's.
15. Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.
16. You no longer take naps from noon to 6 p.m.
17. Dinner and a movie - The whole date instead of the beginning of one.
18. Eating a basket of chicken wings at 3 a.m. would severely upset, rather than settle, your stomach.
19. You go to the drugstore for Ibuprofen and antacids, not condoms and pregnancy test kits.
20. A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer 'pretty good stuff.'
21. You actually eat breakfast foods at breakfast time.
22. "I just can't drink the way I used to," replaces "I'm never going to drink that much again."
23. Over 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work.
24. You don't drink at home to save money before going to a bar.
25. You read this entire list looking for one sign that doesn't apply to you!

The Dangers of Using Slang

A farmhand is driving 'round the farm, checking the fences. After a few minutes heradios his boss and says, "Boss, I've got a problem. I hit a pig on the road and he's stuck in the bull-bars of my truck. He's still wriggling - what should I do?''

"In the back of your truck there's a shotgun.Shoot the pig in the head and when it stops wriggling you can pull it out and throw it in a bush."

The farm worker says okay and signs off. About 10 minutes later he radios back.

"Boss I did what you said, I shot the pig and dragged it out and threw it in a bush."

"So what's the problem now?" his Boss snapped.

"The blue light on his motorcycle is still flashing."

Sunday Services

One Sunday morning, the pastor noticed little Alex was staring up at the large plaque that hung in the foyer of the church.
The plaque was covered with names, and small American flags were mounted on either side of it.

The seven year old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the
pastor walked up, stood beside the boy, and said quietly, "Good
morning Alex." 

"Good morning pastor," replied the young man, still focused on
the plaque. "Pastor McGwire, what is this?" Alex asked.

"Well, son, it's a memorial to all the young men women who died
in the service."
Soberly, they stood together, staring at the large plaque.Little
Alex's voice was barely audible when he asked, "Which service, the
8:45 or the 11:00?"

Memories

Two old ladies, who were good friends, were sitting on a park bench where they had sat for years.

Suddenly the first lady, near tears, turned to her friend and said with a tremor in her voice, "I'm embarrassed, but I've forgotten your name. What is it?"

The second lady sat quietly for about two minutes, turned to her friend and finally asked, "How soon do you have to know?"

Who wins?

Tom had won a toy at a raffle. He called his 5 kids together to ask which one should have the present.

"Who is the most obedient?" he asked.

The children all stared back at him in silence.

Then he asked, "Who never talks back to mother?"

Again the kids appeared to be mystified by the question.

Then Tom asked, "Who does everything she says?"

With that question, the kids were finally able to come to a conclusion.The five small voices answered in unison, "Okay, dad, you get the toy."

Weddings and Funerals

When I was younger I hated going to weddings; it seemed that all of my aunts and the grandmotherly types used to come up to me, poke me in the ribs and cackle, "You're next."

They stopped that shit after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.

The Blonde's Car

A blonde's car breaks down on the Interstate one day. So she eases it over onto the shoulder of the road. She carefully steps out of the car and opens the trunk.

Out of the trunk jump two men in trench coats who walk to the rear of the vehicle where they stand facing oncoming traffic and begin opening their coats and exposing their nude bodies to approaching drivers...

Not surprisingly, one of the worst pileups in history of this highway occurs. It's not very long before a police car shows up. The cop, clearly enraged, runstoward the blonde driver of the disabled vehicle yelling, "What the heck is going on here?"

"My car broke down,"says the lady, calmly.

"Well, what are these perverts doing here by the road?!" asks the cop.

And she said...

"Those are my emergency flashers!"

The Night Watchman

Once upon a time, the government had a vast scrap yard in the middle of the desert.Congress said, "Someone may steal from it at night."So, they created a night watchman position and hired a person for the job.

Then Congress said, "How does the watchman do his job without instructions?

"So, they created a planning department and hired two people, one person to write the instructions, and one person to do the time studies.

Then Congress said, "How will we know the watchman is doing the tasks correctly?

"So, they created a Quality Control department and hired two people - one to do the studies and one to write the reports.

Then Congress said, "How are these people going to get paid?

"So, they created two positions and hired a time keeper and a payroll officer.

Then Congress said. "Who will be accountable for all of these people?

"So, they created an administrative section and hired three people.

Then Congress said, "We have had this command in operation for one year and we are $18,000.00 over budget.We must cut back overall costs."

So, they laid off the night watchman.

The Bikers

A guy is at the pearly gates, waiting to be admitted, while St. Peter is leafin' through this Big Book to see if the guy is worthy of entering.

Saint Peter goes through the books several times, furrows his brow, and says to the guy, "You know, I can't see that you did anything really good in your life, but, you never did anything bad either. Tell you what, if you can tell me of one REALLY good deed that you did in your life, you're in."

The guy thinks for a moment and says, "Yeah!, there was the time when I was drivin' down the highway and I saw a group of KKK Biker Gang Rapists assaulting this poor girl. I slowed down my car to see what was going on, and sure enough, there they were, about 50 of 'em torturing this girl.

Infuriated, I got out my car, grabbed a tire iron out of my trunk, and walked straight up to the leader of the gang, a huge guy with a studded leather jacket and a chain running from his nose to his ear. As I walked up to the leader, the KKK Biker Gang Rapists formed a circle around me. So, I rip the leader's chain off his face and smash him over the head with the tire iron. Then I turn around and yelled to the rest of them, 'Leave this poor, innocent girl alone! You're all a bunch of sick,
deranged animals! Go home before I teach you all a lesson in pain!'"

St. Peter, impressed, says "Really? When did this happen?"

"Oh, about two minutes ago."

Grandpa

A little girl was sitting on her grandfather's lap as he read her a goodnight story. From time to time, she would take her eyes off the book and reach up to touch his wrinkled cheek. She was alternately stroking her own cheek, then his again. Finally she spoke, "Grandpa, did God make you?"

"Yes, sweetheart," he answered, "God made me a long time ago."

"Oh," she said and then "Grandpa, did God make me too?"

"Yes, indeed, honey," he answered. "God made you just a little while ago."

Feeling their respective faces again, she observed, "God's getting better at it, isn't he?"

Learn to Speak Chinese

Are you harboring a fugitive? -- Hu Yu Hai Ding?
See me A.S.A.P. -- Kum Hia Nao
Stupid Man -- Dum Gai
Small Horse -- Tai Ni Po Ni
Did you go to the beach? -- Wai Yu So Tan?
I bumped into a coffee table. -- Ai Bang Mai Ni
I think you need a facelift. -- Chin Tu Fat
It's very dark in here. -- Wai So Dim?
Has your flight been delayed? -- Hao Long Wei Ting?
That was an unauthorized execution. -- Lin Ching
I thought you were on a diet. -- Wai Yu Mun Ching?
This is a tow away zone. -- No Pah King
Do you know the lyrics to the Macarena? -- Wai Yu Sing Dum Song?
You are not very bright. -- Yu So Dum
I got this for free. -- Ai No Pei
I am not guilty. -- Wai Hang Mi?
Please, stay a while longer. -- Wai Go Nao?
Our meeting was scheduled for next week. -- Wai Yu Kum Nao
They have arrived. -- Hia Dei Kum
Stay out of sight. -- Lei Lo
He's cleaning his automobile. -- Wa Shing Ka
Your body odor is offensive. -- Yu stin ki pu

New Cell Phone

A young man wanted to get his beautiful blonde wife something nice for their first wedding  anniversary. So he decides to buy her a cell phone. She is all excited, she loves her phone. He shows her and explains toher all the features on the phone.

The next day the blonde goes shopping. Her phone rings and it's her husband, "Hi Hon," he says, "how do you like your new
phone?" She replies, "I just love it, it's so small and your voice is clear as a bell but there's one thing I don't understand though."

"What's that, baby?" asks the husband.

"How did you know I was at Wal Mart?"