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Jokes to make you laugh...more "dirty" ones

I love a good joke as much as the next person...clean or dirty, it doesn't matter. But, if it does for you, I separated the clean from the dirty!!!

How to Kill an Eel

Little Johnny was 12 years-old and like other boys his age, rather curious he had been hearing quite a bit about "courting" from the older boys and he wondered what it was and how it was done.

One day he took his questions to his mother who became rather flustered. Instead of explaining "things" to Johnny she told him to hide behind the curtains one night and watch his older sister and her boyfriend. This he did. The following morning Johnny described everything he saw to his mother... "Sis and her boyfriend sat and talked for a while, then he turned off most of the lights. Then he started kissing and hugging her, I figured sis must be getting sick because her face started looking funny. He must have thought so too because he put his hand inside her blouse to feel her heart, just like the doctor would. Except he's not as smart as the doctor, because he seemed to have trouble finding her heart."

"I guess he was getting sick too because pretty soon both of them started panting and getting all out of breath. His other hand must have been cold because he put it under her skirt. About this time sis got worse and began to moan and sigh and squirm around and slide down toward the end of the couch. This was when the fever started. I knew it was a fever because sis told him she was really hot."

"Finally, I found what was making them so sick - a big eel had gotten inside his pants somehow. It just jumped out of his pants and stood there, about ten inches long. Honest!! Anyway, he grabbed it in one hand to keep it from getting away." "When sis saw it, she got really scared, her eyes got big and her mouth fell open and she started calling to God and stuff like that. She said it was the biggest one she'd ever seen - I should tell her about the ones down at the lake."

"Anyway, sis got brave and tried to kill the eel by biting its head off. All of a sudden she made a noise and let the eel go, I guess it bit her back. Then she grabbed it with both hands and held it tight while he took a muzzle out of his pocket and slipped it over the eel's head to keep it from biting again."

"Sis laid back and spread her legs so she could get a scissor-lock on it and he helped her by laying on top of the eel. The eel put up a helluva fight. Sis started moaning and squealing and her boyfriend almost upset the couch. I guess they wanted to kill the eel."

"After a while, they both quit moving and gave a great sigh. Her boyfriend got up and sure enough they had killed the eel. I knew it was dead because it just hung there limp, and some of its insides were hanging out."

"Sis and her boyfriend were a little tired from the battle, but they went back to courting anyway. He started hugging and kissing her again. By golly, the eel wasn't dead!!! It jumped straight up and started to fight again, I guess that eel's are like cat's they have nine lives or something."

"This time, sis jumped up and tried to kill the eel by sitting on it. After a 35 minute struggle they finally killed it again. I knew it was dead this time because I saw sis's boyfriend peel its skin off and flush it down the toilet!!"

Family Tree

One day a sweet little girl became puzzled about her origin: "How did I get here, Mommy?" she asks. Her mother replies, using a well-worn phrase, "Why God sent you, Honey."

"And did God send you too, Mommy?" she continues. "Yes, Sweetheart, he did."

"And Daddy, and Grandma and Grandpa, and their moms and dads too?" "Yes, Honey, all of them," replied her mother.

The child shook her head in disbelief. "Then you're telling me there's been no sex in this family for over 200 years? No wonder everyone is so grouchy!"

Golf Rules????

1. Back straight, knees bent, feet shoulder width apart.
2. Form a loose grip. 3. Keep your head down.
4. Avoid a quick back swing.
5. Stay out of the water.
6. Try not to hit anyone.
7. If you are taking too long, please let others go ahead of you.
8. Don't stand directly in front of others.
9. Quiet please... while others are preparing to go.
10. Don't take extra strokes.

Very good. Now flush the urinal, go outside, and tee off.

At the Baseball Game

A Scottish man was at a baseball game. It was the first time he had ever seen the sport so he sat quietly.

The first batter approached the mound, he took a few swings and then hit a double. Everyone was on their feet screaming "Run, Run." This happened two more times, with a single and a triple.

The Scottish man was now exited and ready to get into the game. The next batter came up and four balls went by. The umpire called "walk" and the batter started on a slow trot to first.

The Scotsman, extremely excited now, stood up and screamed, "R-R-Run ye basstarrd, rrrun!" Everyone around him started laughing. So the Scotsman, extremely embarrassed, sat back down.

A friendly fan, seeing the Scotsman's embarrassment, leaned over and said, "He can't run - he got four balls."

The Scotsman then stood up and screamed, "Walk with pride, man...walk with pride!"

New Drug

I heard from a drug rep for Glaxo that they are on the verge of launching a new herbal remedy that they think will take the market by storm.

This drug sounds so promising I want to suggest to my friends and family that they consider buying stock in the company.

The drug is called "Ginko Viagra," and its function is to help you remember what the fuck you are doing.

Breastfed

A woman with a baby came into the doctor's office. She was told to go into a room and wait for the doctor.

After arriving, the doctor examined the baby and asked the woman, "Is he breast fed or on the bottle?" "Breast fed" she replied.

"Well, strip down to your waist, "the doctor ordered. She did.

He pressed, kneaded and pinched both breasts for a while in a detailed examination.

Motioning to her to get dressed he said, "No wonder this baby is hungry. You don't have any milk."

"Naturally," she said, "I'm his Grandma. But I'm glad I came."

Nude Painting

A man requested a blonde painter to paint him in the nude.

"No" the talented blonde artist said. "I don't do that sort of thing."

"I'll increase your fee two times," he said.

"No, no thanks!!"

"I'll give five times as much as you normally get."

"Okay," said the artist, "but you have to let me at least wear my socks. I need somewhere to place my brushes."

Ultimate Fantasy

In a recent Harris On-line poll 38,562 men across the US were asked to identify a woman's ultimate fantasy.

97.8% of the respondents said that a woman's ultimate fantasy is to have two men at once.

While this has been verified by a recent sociological study, it appears that most men do not realize that in this fantasy, one man is cooking and the other is cleaning.

The Wino

A horny man is walking through a park, and notices a wino passed out on a park bench. Temptation overcomes him, and he decides to 'have his way' with the wino. After he finishes, he feels a little guilty, and decides to slip a $5.00 bill into the pocket of the wino's pants.

The next morning, the wino wakes up and finds the money in his pocket. He immediately goes to the nearest liquor store and tells the clerk, "Give me $5.00 worth of the cheapest wine you've got!" The clerk returns with a gallon jug of wine, the wino pays for it and leaves. He then spends the rest of the day back at his bench drinking.

That night after the wino passed out, the horny man walked by again, and repeated the cycle from the night before. The next morning, the wino found the money in his pocket again, and again went to the same liquor store and bought another gallon jug of cheap wine, then spent the rest of the day drinking on his bench.

This whole process continued nightly for over a week. One night, after finishing his business with the wino, the man felt especially guilty about his behavior, and slipped a $20.00 bill into the wino's pocket. The next morning, after finding the money, the wino proceeds to his favorite liquor store and requests $20.00 of their finest wine.

The clerk obliged and said, "Don't you usually come in here and get $5.00 of our cheapest wine?" To which the wino replied "Yeah, but I gotta quit drinking that cheap stuff. It makes my ass hurt!"

Billy Bob and Lester

Billy Bob and Lester were talking one afternoon when Billy Bob tells Lester, "Ya know, I reckon I'm about ready for a vacation. Only this year I'm gonna do it a little different. The last few years, I took your suggestions as to where to go.

Three years ago you said to go to Hawaii. I went to Hawaii and Marie got pregnant.

Then two years ago, you told me to go to the Bahamas, and Marie got pregnant again.

Last year you suggested Tahiti and darned if Marie didn't get pregnant again."

Lester asks Billy Bob, "So, what you gonna do this year that's different?"

Billy Bob says, "This year I'm taking Marie with me."

Escaped Convict

An escaped convict, imprisoned for 1st degree murder, had spent years of his life sentence in prison. While on the run, he broke into a house and tied up a young couple who had been sleeping in the bedroom.

He tied the man to a chair on one side of the room and his wife on the bed. He got on the bed right over the woman, and it appeared he was kissing her neck.

Suddenly he got up and left the room. As soon as possible the husband made his way across the room to his bride, his chair in tow, and whispered, "Honey, this guy hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw him kissing on your neck and then he left in a hurry. Just cooperate and do anything he wants. If he wants to have sex with you, just go along with it and pretend you like it. Whatever you do don't fight him or make him mad. Our lives depend on it! Be strong and I love you."

After spitting out the gag in her mouth, the half naked wife says: "Dear, I'm so relieved you feel that way. You're right, he hasn't seen a woman in years, but he wasn't kissing my neck....He was whispering in my ear." "He said he thinks you're really cute and asked if we kept the Vaseline in the bathroom. Be strong and I love you, too."

Answered Prayer

A man was complaining: Oh Lord, please have mercy on me. I work so hard while my wife stays at home. I would give anything if you would grant me one wish - switch me into my wife. She's got it easy at home. I want to teach her a lesson of how tough a man's life is.

As God was listening he felt sorry for this soul and granted his wish. The next morning the 'new woman' wakes up at dawn, makes lunch boxes, prepares breakfast, wakes up the kids for school, puts a load of clothes in the washer, takes the meat out of the freezer and drives the kids to school.

On 'his' way back 'he' stops at the gas station, cashes a check, pays the electricity and phone bills, picks up some clothes from the cleaners, and quickly goes to the market. It was 1:00 o'clock already. 'He' made the beds, took the clothes out of the washer and put another load in. 'He' vacuumed the house, made some rice, went to pick up the kids from school and then had an argument with the kids.

As soon as 'he' got home 'he' fed the kids, washed the dirty dishes, hung the damp clothes 'he' had washed on the chairs because it was raining outside, helped the kids with their homework, watched some TV while 'he' ironed some clothes and prepared dinner. 'He' gave the kids a bath and put them to sleep. At 9:00 o'clock 'he' was so tired.

Of course there were some more duties and somehow 'he' managed to get them done. Finally 'he' went to bed and fell asleep. The next morning 'he' prays to God once again: Oh Lord, what was I thinking when I asked you to grant my wish, I can't take it anymore. I beg you please switch me back to myself, please oh please.

Then he heard God's voice speaking to him, saying: "Dear son, of course I'll switch you back into yourself but there's one minor detail, you will have to wait 9 months because last night you got pregnant!"

Japanese Bride

A young Japanese girl had been taught all her life that when she married she was to please her husband and never upset him.

So the first morning of her honeymoon, when the young Japanese bride crawled out of bed after making love and she stooped down to pick up her husband's clothes, she accidentally lets out a big fart.

She looked up and said: "Excuse please, front hole so happy back hole laugh out loud."

The Smiths' Baby

The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a proxy or surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife and said, "I'm off. The man should be here soon."

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale.

"Good morning madam. I've come to...."

"Oh, no need to explain. I've been expecting you," Mrs. Smith cut in.

"Really?" the photographer asked. "Well, good! I've made a specialty of babies."

"That's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat."

After a moment she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we start?"

"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor is fun too; you can really spread out!"

"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work for Harry and me."

"Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results."

"My, that's a lot of ..." gasped Mrs. Smith.

"Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but you'd be disappointed with that, I'm sure."

"Don't I know it," Mrs. Smith said quietly.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus in downtown London." "Oh my god!!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, tugging at her handkerchief.

"And these twins turned out exceptionally well, when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with." "She was difficult?" asked Mrs. Smith. "Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to Hyde Park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing to get a good look." "Four and five deep?" asked Mrs. Smith, eyes widened in amazement. "Yes," the photographer said. "And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate. Then darkness approached and I began to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just packed it all in." Mrs. Smith leaned forward.

"You mean they actually chewed on your, um... equipment?"

"That's right. Well madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod so we can get to work." "Tripod??"

"Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big for me to hold very long. Madam? Madam?..... Good Lord, she's fainted!"

Computer Password

A woman is helping her computer-illiterate husband set up his computer, and tells him that he will now need to choose and enter a password that he wants to use when logging on. The husband is in a a rather amorous mood and figures he will try for the shock effect to bring this to his wife's attention so, when the computer asks him to enter his password, he makes it plainly obvious to his wife that he is keying in "penis." His wife nearly falls off her chair from laughing so hard when the computer replies:

***PASSWORD REJECTED - NOT LONG ENOUGH ***       *** PLEASE TRY A NEW ONE ***

Seeing Eye Dog

A blind man is walking down the street with his seeing eye dog one day. They come to a busy intersection, and the dog, ignoring the high volume of traffic zooming by on the street, leads the blind man right out into the thick of traffic.

This is followed by the screech of tires and horns blaring as panicked drivers try desperately not to run the pair down.

The blind man and the dog finally reach the safety of the sidewalk on the other side of the street, and the blind man pulls a cookie out of his coat pocket which he offers to the dog.

A passerby, having observed the near fatal incident, can't control his amazement and says to the blind man, "Why on earth are you rewarding your dog with a cookie? He nearly got you killed!"

The blind man turns partially in his direction and replies, "To find out where his head is, so I can kick him in the ass!"

Flying the Friendly Skies

A mother and her son were flying Southwest Airlines from Oakland to Kansas City.

The son, who had been looking out the window, turned to his mother and said, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"

The mother, who couldn't think of an answer, told her son to ask the stewardess.

So, the little boy asked the stewardess, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"

The stewardess asked, "Did your mother tell you to ask me that?" He said that she had.

With a clever grin, she said, "Tell your mother it's because Southwest Airlines always pulls out on time."

The Pilot

A pilot got on the loudspeaker shortly after takeoff and said to the passengers, "Folks, welcome aboard flight seven eighty-nine to Cleveland. We'll be flying at thirty-five-thousand feet, and expect to land in an hour and a half. Just sit back, relax, and enjoy the flight."

Forgetting to turn off the microphone, he turned to his copilot, yawned, and said, "Why don't you take over for a while? I'm going to take me a big healthy shit, and then I'm gonna fuck the brains outta that pretty blonde flight attendant working in coach."

His announcement went over the whole plane. The pretty blonde flight attendant in coach heard this and exclaimed, "Oh my God!" and started running towards the cockpit.

An old lady sitting in an aisle seat stopped her and said, "Relax honey, he's gotta take a shit first."