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Lizard birth

Overview: I had to take my son's lizard to the vet.

Here's what happened:
Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was 'something wrong' with one of the two lizards he holds prisoner in his room.

'He's just lying there looking sick,' he told me. 'I'm serious, Dad. Can you help?'

I put my best lizard-healer expression on my face and followed him into his bedroom. One of the little lizards was indeed lying on his back, looking stressed. I immediately knew what to do.

'Honey,' I called, 'come look at the lizard!'

'Oh, my gosh!' my wife exclaimed . 'She's having babies.'

'What?' my son demanded. 'But their names are Bert and Ernie, Mom!'

I was equally outraged.

'Hey, how can that be? I thought we said we didn't want them to reproduce,' I said accusingly to my wife.

'Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their cage?' she inquired (I think she actually said this sarcastically!)

'No, but you were supposed to get two boys!' I reminded her, (in my most loving, calm, sweet voice, while gritting my teeth).

'Yeah, Bert and Ernie!' my son agreed.

'Well, it's just a little hard to tell on some guys, you know,' she informed me (Again with the sarcasm!).

By now the rest of the family had gathered to see what was going on. I shrugged, deciding to make the best of it.

'Kids, this is going to be a wondrous experience,' I announced. 'We're about to witness the miracle of birth.'

'Oh, gross!' they shrieked.

'Well, isn't THAT just great? What are we going to do with a litter of tiny little lizard babies?' my wife wanted to know.

We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what looked like a tiny foot would appear briefly, vanishing a scant second later.

'We don't appear to be making much progress,' I noted.

'It's breech,' my wife whispered, horrified.

'Do something, Dad!' my son urged.

'Okay, okay.' Squeamishly, I reached in and grabbed the foot when it next appeared, giving it a gentle tug. It disappeared. I tried several more times with the same results.

'Should I call 911?' my eldest daughter wanted to know.

'Maybe they could talk us through the trauma.' (You see a pattern here with the females in my house?)

'Let's get Ernie to the vet,' I said grimly. We drove to the vet with my son holding the cage in his lap.

'Breathe, Ernie, breathe,' he urged.

'I don't think lizards do Lamaze,' his mother noted to him. (Women can be so cruel to their own young. I mean what she does to me is one thing, but this boy is of her womb, for G~d's sake.).

The vet took Ernie back to the examining room and peered at the little animal through a magnifying glass.

'What do you think, Doc, a C-section?' I suggested scientifically.

'Oh, very interesting,' he murmured. 'Mr. and Mrs. Cameron, may I speak to you privately for a moment?'

I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside.

'Is Ernie going to be okay?' my wife asked.

'Oh, perfectly,' the vet assured us. 'This lizard is not in labor. In fact, that isn't EVER going to happen. .. Ernie is a boy. You see, Ernie is a young male. And occasionally, as they come into maturity, like most male species, they um . . um . . . masturbate. Just the way he did, lying on his back.' He blushed, glancing at my wife.

We were silent, absorbing this. 'So, Ernie's just ... just . . . excited,' my wife offered.

'Exactly,' the vet replied, relieved that we understood.

More silence. Then my vicious, cruel wife started to giggle and giggle and then even laugh loudly.

'What's so funny?' I demanded, knowing, but not believing that the woman I married would commit the upcoming affront to my flawless manliness.

Tears were now running down her face. 'It's just that . . I'm picturing you pulling on its . . . its. . . teeny little ' She gasped for more air to bellow in laughter once more.

'That's enough,' I warned. We thanked the vet and hurriedly bundled the lizard and our son back into the car.. He was glad everything was going to be okay.

'I know Ernie's really thankful for what you did, Dad,' he told me.

'Oh, you have NO idea,' my wife agreed, collapsing with laughter.

Two lizards: $140.
One cage: $50.
Trip to the vet: $30.
Memory of your husband pulling on a lizard's winkie: Priceless!

Moral of the story: Pay attention in biology class. Lizards lay eggs!

The Salesman

A young guy from Virginia moves to California and goes to a big department store looking for a job.

The manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?"

The kid says, "Yeah, I was a salesman back home in Virginia."  The boss liked the kid, so he gave him the job. "You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did."

His first day on the job was rough but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down. "How many sales did you make today?" The kid says, "One." The boss says, "Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale for?"

Kid says, "$101,237.64."

Boss says, "$101,237.64? What did you sell him?"

Kid says, "First I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fish hook. Then I sold him a larger fish hook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing, and he said down at the coast, so I told him he was gonna' need a boat, so we went down to the boat department, and I sold him that twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4X4 Blazer."

The boss said, "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and truck?"

Kid says, "No, he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his wife, and I said, 'Well, since your weekend's shot, you might as well go fishing.'"

Tongue Tied Midget

A guy calls his buddy, the horse rancher, and says he's sending a friend over to look at a horse. The buddy says, "How will I recognize him?" He says, "That's easy, he's a midget with a speech impediment"

The midget shows up, and the guy asks him if he's looking for a male or female horse. The midget says, "A female horth." The rancher shows him a prized filly. The midget says, "Nith lookin horth. Can I thee her eyeth"?

The rancher picks up the midget and he gives the horse's eyes the once over. The midget says, "Nith eyeth, can I thee her earzth"?

The rancher picks the little fella up again, and shows him the horse's ears. The midget says, "Nith earzth. can I thee her mouf"?

The rancher is getting pretty pissed off by this point, but he picks him up again and shows him the horse's mouth. The midget says, "Nith mouf, can I thee her twat"?

Totally pissed at this point, the rancher grabs him under his arm and jams the midget's head as far as he can up the horse's you-know-what, pulls him out and slams him on the ground.

The midget gets up, sputtering and coughing and says, "Perhapth I should rephrathe that. Can I thee her wun awound a widdle bit"?

New Age Doctor

A woman who had the worst chronic headache goes to a famous "new age" holistic doctor, as a last resort.

"Doctor, I have tried everything, but my headache just won't go away."

The doctor replied, "You have come to the right place. This is what I want you to do: go home, stare at yourself in the mirror, point your index fingers at your temples, and repeat this mantra: "I really don't have a headache, I really don't have a headache". Do it as long as it takes, the headache is just going to vanish."

As she leaves the doctor's office, skeptical but curious at the same time, she tries the maneuver in front of the mirror in the elevator. Fingers pointed at her temples, she starts repeating "I really don't have a headache, I really don't have a headache...". She has barely said it four times, when she realizes her headache is gone. Shocked and elated, she runs back up to the doctor.

"Doctor, you are a genius! Can I please send you my husband? He's been having problems in a certain department... how can I put it... "

"When was the last time you two had sex?"

"About eight years ago."

"Send him over."

A few days later, she is waiting with baited breath for her husband to come home from the doctor. He arrives, asks her to wait, and goes straight to the bathroom. When he comes out, he throws her on the couch and starts making wild passionate love to her. When he's finished, he goes right back to the bathroom.

A few minutes later he comes out, rouses her from her bliss and starts at it again, like an insatiable young man. After another hour of great sex he goes and locks himself in the bathroom again.

At this point the wife has become unbearably curious. She tiptoes to the bathroom door, looks through the keyhole, and sees her husband, staring at himself in the mirror, fingers pointed at his temples, repeating:

"That woman is not my wife, that woman is not my wife....."

ONE MANS PERSPECTIVE ON CYBER SEX

Let's face it after 28 years of a happy marriage, there's no way I'm going to cheat on my wife. But if you ever sense you may be getting tempted to stray, don't do it! There is a safe alternative.

I suggest a visit to your favorite Chat Room where you can engage in some of that Cyber Sex stuff; I just found out about this last night! I was on AOL and I went to this Chat Room. It was named something suggestive, but I can't remember which one it was. It was, "Horny and Bald," or something like that.

OK, so I get in there and, man, these people are talking some real crap back and forth. I can't believe it!

Somebody asks, "What's everyone wearing?"

And everyone starts responding about what they're wearing. Girls were saying they were wearing silk nighties, leather and lace, or nothing at all -- spikes, all kinds of kinky stuff!!

Well hell, I was just wearing a T-shirt and blue jeans, and I sort of felt out of place. So I hurried up and put on a jock strap, my wife's bra, roller blades, ear muffs, and a ring of bratwurst around my neck.

I finally realize that certain people are asking other certain people if they want to go to a private room and have Cyber Sex. I wasn't quite sure how this whole thing worked, so I asked. Some members of the group explained that you could send another person in the room a private message, and then go to a private room and two members could talk back and forth without anyone else knowing, and that's how you have Cyber Sex. WAY COOL!!!

OK, so I'm waiting, and one by one I keep seeing people ask other people if they want to have Cyber Sex, and they say yeah, "IM me." I found out that "IM" means Instant Message or something like that.

OK, so I wait some more, 'cause I know some really hot cyber chic babe is going to be asking me to have some private cyber sex any minute now. Well, I'm waiting and waiting... and nothing. I'm thinking, these hot chics must somehow know that I'm a former police officer whose starting to lose my hair. My stomach has gotten so big I haven't been able to find my navel in two years.

They must know that I've been married 28 years, have three kids, and sometimes when I have a choice of making love to my wife or taking a nap, I choose the nap. Hey, I figure I can get some sleep and dream about having sex and kill two birds with one stone. I'm 48 and I'm at that point where my wife makes me have sex at least once a month whether I need to or not.

I'm thinking this Cyber Sex thing will be great because I won't have to get out of breath or get up in the middle to go pee or anything.

But no one sends me an invitation to join them. Then I got a brain storm. I wondered if I could send myself a private message. So I tried it, and sure enough I could! So I sent a message to myself asking me if I wanted to have Cyber Sex. Well, trying to act coy, I reluctantly agreed.

Once I was in the private room I started telling myself what I was wearing... you know ear muffs, roller blades, and all.

Then the next thing I knew I was saying some really lewd stuff to myself. Man, at first I was really embarrassed and on some level offended by the things I was saying to me. But the next thing I knew I was really starting to get turned on.

I was saying things to myself like, "Oh yeah, oh yeah baby, that's it, that's the way I like it, you're the king, you're the king, oh you're a greek god, you're the chief of police, you're the sheriff, go trooper, ride me like a K9 dog humping the Sergeant's leg, oh god, oh god, cuff me, beat me, call me dirty names, turn on your red light, scream like a siren..."

Man it was really getting hot, and then just when it was really getting good I said something about "my momma." Well shit, that did it, I just lost it.

I really got pissed off at me, and I started screaming at myself TYPING IN ALL CAPS and stuff, and I told myself that I was a no good, insensitive asshole. I came back with a reply that I was nothing but a Cyber P**** Teaser, and then I said I couldn't believe that I would have done something like this with someone as disgusting a pig as me...

Well, to make a long story short I told myself, "F*** off you Cyber Slut," and I disconnected myself from me. I immediately contacted the AOL Chat moderator and reported that I had been sexually harassed by disgusting pervert: myself!

God, I am so sick and ashamed of what I did. I never want to talk to myself again.

Do you think I cheated on my wife?

Out-of-Towners

Two guys are driving through Alabama when they get pulled over by a state trooper. The trooper walks up, taps on the window with his nightstick, the driver rolls down the window, and the trooper smacks him in the head with the stick.

The driver says, "Why'd you do that? The trooper says, "You're in Alabama, son. When I pull you over, you'll have your license ready." The driver says, "I'm sorry, officer, I'm not from around here."

The trooper runs a check on the guy's license, and he's clean. He gives the guy his license back and walks around to the passenger side and taps on the window. The passenger rolls his window down, and the trooper smacks him with the nightstick.

The passenger says, "What'd you do that for?" The cop says, "Just making your wishes come true." The passenger says, "Huh?"

The cop says, "I know that two miles down the road you're gonna say,' I wish that mother f**ker would've tried that sh*t with me.'"

The Birthday Gift

A woman is shopping for a pet, as a gift for her husband, but she is concerned that the prices this pet shop are charging seem very high. She goes to the clerk and explains her concern.

"Well, I have a frog in the back, that I can let you have for $50," the clerk says. "$50?" the woman replies. "That seems terribly expensive for a frog. Well, this frog is worth it. It's been trained to give blow jobs."

The woman is stunned, but as her husband loves this sort of sex, and she is not particularly fond of it, she decides the frog might be a good investment. She buys the frog, brings it home, presents it to her husband, and explains its special value.

The husband is skeptical, but promises he'll give the frog a try that night. The woman goes to sleep, happily knowing she won't be bothered by her husband that night. She is suddenly awakened by a clatter coming from the kitchen. She goes downstairs and finds the frog and her husband pulling out pots and pans, and pouring over cookbooks.

"What are you two doing down here?" she asks. Her husband responds, "If I can teach this frog to cook, your sorry @ss is out of here!"

Little Johnny

Little Johnny's mother decided to give her son an anatomy lesson one day, so she took off all of her clothes and pointed to her vagina, and said, "Johnny. This is where you come from."

Johnny went to school the next day smiling and insisting all his friends now refer to him as "Lucky Johnny." "Why?" one asked.

Johnny held his fingers an inch apart and said, "Because I came this close to being a piece of sh*t."

Cure for Bad Days

When you have had one of those TAKE THIS JOB AND SHOVE IT days, try this:

On your way home after work, stop at your pharmacy and go to the section where they have thermometers. You will need to purchase a rectal thermometer made by *Q-Tip. Be very sure that you get this brand.

When you get home, lock your doors, draw the drapes, and disconnect the phone so you will not be disturbed during your therapy. Change to very comfortable clothing, such as a sweat suit and lie down on your bed. Open the package containing the thermometer and remove the thermometer and carefully place it on the bedside table so that it will not become chipped or broken.

Take the written material that accompanies the thermometer and as you read it you will notice in small print the statement that *every rectal thermometer made by Q-Tip is PERSONALLY tested.

Now close your eyes and say out loud five times, "I am so glad that I do not work in quality control at the Q-Tip Company"!

Little Johnny (again)

One day mom was cleaning Little Johnny's room and in the closet she found a bondage S&M magazine. This was highly upsetting for her. She hid the magazine until his father got home and showed it to him. He looked at it and handed it back to her with out a word.

She finally asked him, " Well what should we do about this?"

Dad looked at her and said, "Well, for starters, I don't think you should spank him."

The Headache

A husband emerged from the bathroom naked and was climbing into bed when his wife complained, as usual, "I have a headache."

"Perfect" her husband said. "I was just in the bathroom powdering my penis with aspirin. You can take it orally or as a suppository,.. it's up to you!"

The Voice

A guy gets home from work one night and hears a voice. The voice tells him, "Quit your job, sell your house, take your money, go to Vegas." The man is disturbed at what he hears and ignores the voice.

The next day when he gets home from work, the same thing happens. The voice tells him, "Quit your job, sell your house, take your money, go to Vegas." Again the man ignores the voice, though he is very troubled by the event.

Every day, day after day, the man hears the same voice when he gets home from work, "Quit your job, sell your house, take your money, go to Vegas." Each time the man hears the voice he becomes increasingly upset. Finally, after two weeks, he succumbs to the pressure. He does quit his job, sells his house, takes his money and heads to Vegas.

The moment the man gets off the plane in Vegas, the voice tells him, "Go to Harrahs." So, he hops in a cab and rushes over to Harrahs. As soon as he sets foot in the casino, the voice tells him, "Go to the roulette table." The man does as he is told.

When he gets to the roulette table, the voice tells him, "Put all your money on 17."

Nervously, the man cashes in his money for chips and then puts them all on 17. The dealer wishes the man good luck and spins the roulette wheel. Around and around the ball caroms. The man anxiously watches the ball as it slowly loses speed until finally it settles into number . . . 21.

The voice says, "Fu*k."

My wife is so cold...

Two men were discussing how cold their wives had been to them about giving sex.

The first fellow says "My wife's so cold I can put a glass of water in bed with her and the next morning its turned to ice."

The second fellow says "Hell, every time my old lady spreads her legs the furnace kicks in!"

The Penis

A second-grade teacher says to her class, "Children, we are going to begin to study sex education.

Tonight your first assignment will be to go home and find out what a penis is."

Little Johnny goes home and asks his father, "Daddy, what is a penis?"

The father pulls down his pants and points proudly, saying, "Son, that is a perfect penis."

The next day when the boy arrives at school, his best friend rushes up to him on the playground.

"Johnny! I forgot to find out what a penis is! What's a penis?"

Johnny says, "Come on."

So they both go into the boys' room, and Johnny pulls down his pants. He points down and says, "There, that is a penis. And if that was a little smaller, it would be a perfect penis."

Free Meat

It was many years ago since the embarrassing day when a young woman, with a baby in her arms, entered his butcher shop and confronted him with the news that the baby was his and asked what was he going to do about it?

Finally he offered to provide her with free meat until the boy was 16. She agreed.

He had been counting the years off on his calendar, and one day the teenager who had been collecting the meat each week, came into the shop and said, "I'll be 16 tomorrow."

"I know," said the butcher with a smile, "I've been counting too, tell your mother, when you take this parcel of meat home, that it is the last free meat she'll get, and watch the expression on her face."

When the boy arrived home he told his mother. The woman nodded and said, "Son, go back to the butcher and tell him I have also had free bread, free milk, and free groceries for the last 16 years and watch the expression on HIS face!"

Circle Flies

A farmer got pulled over by a state trooper for speeding, and the trooper started to lecture the farmer about his speed, and in general began to throw his weight around to try to make the farmer uncomfortable.

Finally, the trooper got around to writing out the ticket, and as he was doing that he kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing around his head.

The farmer said, "Having some problems with circle flies there, are ya?"

The trooper stopped writing the ticket and said, "Well yeah, if that's what they are. I never heard of circle flies."

So the farmer says, "Well, circle flies are common on farms. See, they're called circle flies because they're almost always found circling around the back end of a horse."

The trooper says, "Oh," and goes back to writing the ticket.

Then after a minute he stops and says, "Hey --- wait a minute, are you trying to call me a horses ass?"

The farmer says, "Oh no, officer. I have too much respect for law enforcement and police officers to even think about calling you a horses ass."

The Trooper says, "Well, that's a good thing," and goes back to writing the ticket.

After a long pause, the farmer says, "Hard to fool them flies though."

Bush and Clinton

George W. Bush and Bill Clinton somehow ended up at the same barbershop. As they sat there, each being worked on by a different barber, not a word was spoken. The barbers were both afraid to start a conversation, for fear it would turn to politics.

As the barbers finished their shaves, the one who had Clinton in his chair reached for the after shave. Clinton was quick to stop him saying, "No thanks, my wife Hillary will smell that and think I've been in a whorehouse."

The second barber turned to Bush and said, "How about you?" Bush replied, "Go ahead. My wife Laura doesn't know what the inside of a whorehouse smells like."

Two Dwarfs

Two dwarfs go into a bar, where they pick up two prostitutes and take them to their separate hotel rooms.

The first dwarf, however, is unable to get an erection. His depression is made worse by the fact that, from the next room, he hears his little friend houting out cries of "Here I come again ... ONE, TWO, THREE... UUH!" all night long.

In the morning, the second dwarf asks the first, "How did it go?"

The first mutters, "It was so embarrassing. I simply couldn't get a hard on."

The second dwarf shook his head. "You think that's embarrassing? I couldn't even get on the bed!"

Signs of Menopause

Hot Flashes ~ You sell your home heating system at a yard sale.

Mood Swings ~ Your husband jokes that instead of buying a wood stove, he is using you to heat the family room this winter. Rather than just saying you are not amused, you shoot him.

Memory Loss ~ You write post-it notes with your kids' names on them, and stick them to each kid's forehead.

Irritability ~ Your husband chirps, "Hi honey, I'm home," and your reply is, "Well, if it isn't Ozzie f**king Nelson."

Sleeplessness ~ The Phenobarbital dose that wiped out the Heaven's Gate Cult gives you four hours of decent rest.

Fatigue ~ You find guacamole in your hair after a Mexican dinner.

Mild Incontinence ~ You change your underwear after every sneeze.

Sudden Weight Gain ~ You need Jaws Of Life to help you out of your car after returning home from an Italian restaurant.

Female Hormone Deficiency ~ You take a sudden interest in "Wrestlemania."

Hormone Therapy ~ You're on so much estrogen that you take your Brownie troop on a field trip to see the Chippendales.

The Baby

A baby was born so advanced in development he could talk.

He looked around the delivery room and saw the doctor. "Are you my doctor?" he asked.

"Why, yes, I am," said the doctor.

The baby said, "Thank you for taking such good care of me during the birth."

He looked at his mother and asked, "Are you my mother?"

"Yes, dear, I am," said the mother beaming.

"Thank you for taking such good care of me before I was born," he said.

He then looked at his father and asked, "Are you my father?"

"Yes, I am," his father proudly answered.

The baby motioned him closer, then poked him repeatedly on the forehead with his index finger.

"Hurts, doesn't it!"

Statues in the Park

In a city park stood two statues, one female and the other male. These two statues faced each other for years.

Early one morning an angel appeared before the statues and said, "Since the two of you have been exemplary statues and have brought enjoyment to many people, I am giving you your greatest wish. I hereby give you the gift of life. You have 30 minutes to do whatever you desire." And with that command, the statues came to life.

The two statues smiled at each other, ran toward some nearby woods and dove behind a couple of bushes. The angel smiled to himself as He listened to the two statues giggling, bushes rustling and twigs snapping.

After fifteen minutes, the two statues emerged from the bushes, satisfied and smiling.

Puzzled, the angel looked at his watch and asked the statues, "You still have fifteen minutes. Would you like to continue?"

The male statue looked at the female and asked, "Do you want to do it again?"

Smiling, the female statue said, "Sure. But this time YOU hold the pigeon down and I'll shit on its head."

Shotgun Wedding

A woman awoke during the night to find that her husband was not in bed. She put on her robe and went downstairs. He was sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front of him. He appeared to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She saw him wipe a tear from his eye and take a sip of his coffee.

"What's the matter dear? Why are you down here at this time of night?" she asked.

"Do you remember twenty years ago when we were dating and you were only 16?" he asked.

"Yes, I do," she replied.

"Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car making love?"

"Yes, I remember."

"Do you remember when he shoved that shotgun in my face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter or spend twenty years in jail'?"

"Yes, I do," she said.

He wiped another tear from his cheek and said, "You know... I would have gotten out today."

The Hypnotist

It was opening night at the Orpheum and The Amazing Claude was topping the bill. People came from miles around to see the famed hypnotist do his stuff.

As Claude took to the stage, he announced, "Unlike most stage hypnotists who invite two or three people up onto the stage to be put into a trance, I intend to hypnotize each and every member of this audience."

The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat.

"I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch. Its a very special watch. Its been in my family for six generations."

He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, "Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch ..."

The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until suddenly it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces.

"Shit!" said the hypnotist.

It took three weeks to clean up the theater.

The Three Bears

It's a sunny morning in the Big Forest and the Bear family is just waking up.

Baby Bear goes downstairs and sits in his small chair at the table. He looks into his small bowl. It is empty! "Who's been eating my porridge?" he squeaks.

Daddy Bear arrives at the table and sits in his big chair. He looks into his big bowl. It is also empty! "Who's been eating my porridge?" he roars.

Mommy Bear puts her head through the serving hatch from the kitchen and yells,
"For Pete's sake, how many times do we have to go through this?
It was Mommy Bear who got up first.
It was Mommy Bear who woke everybody else in the house up.
It was Mommy Bear who made all the beds and washed all of the clothes.
It was Mommy Bear who unloaded the dishwasher from last night and put everything away.
It was Mommy Bear who went out into the cold early morning air to fetch the newspaper.
It was Mommy Bear who set the table.
It was Mommy Bear who put the cat out, cleaned the litter box and filled the cat's water & food dish.
And now that you've decided to come down stairs and grace me with your presence...
listen good because I'm only going to say this one more time...

I HAVEN'T MADE THE FUCKING PORRIDGE YET!!"

One Bad Ass Mouse

There were three city mice sitting at a bar. The first mouse takes a shot of tequila, slams the glass on the table and says, "I'm the toughest mouse in this city. I'm so tough that I walk throughout the house collecting mouse poison, return to my nest and grind up the pellets with my morning coffee -- just for an extra jolt to start off each day."

The mice look at each other. The second mouse slams his whiskey, throws his glass on the floor and says, "I'm the toughest mouse in this city. I'm so tough that I go up to the trap outside my nest, trip the lever and make the trap flip in the air. I catch the bar on its way down, bench press it a few times, twirl it over and over with my feet, then I toss it to the floor, and take the cheese for breakfast. It's all part of my morning routine."

The third mouse looks at the other two. Bored with the conversation, he sets down his glass of beer and says, "I've had enough of the bullshit you two are handing out. I'm going to go home and fuck the cat."

Request for a Raise

I, the Penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:

I do physical labor.
I work at great depths.
I plunge head first into everything I do.
I do not get weekends off or public holidays.
I work in a damp environment.
I don't get paid overtime.
I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation.
I work in high temperatures.
My work exposes me to contagious diseases.

Dear Penis,

After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have raised, the administration rejects your request for the following reasons:

You do not work 8 hours straight.
You fall asleep on the job after brief work periods.
You do not always follow the orders of the management team.
You do not stay in your allocated position, and often visit other areas.
You do not take initiative - you need to be pressured and stimulated in order to start working.
You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift.
You don't always observe necessary safety regulations, such as wearing the correct protective clothing.
You'll retire well before reaching 65.
You're unable to work double shifts.
You sometimes leave your allocated position before you have completed the job.
And if that were not all, you have been seen constantly entering and leaving the workplace carrying 2 suspicious looking bags.

Sincerely,
The Management

Viagra Side Effects

An elderly woman goes to the doctor and asks his help to revive her husband's sex drive.

"What about trying Viagra?" asks the doctor.

"Not a chance," says Mrs. Murphy. "He won't even take an aspirin for a headache."

"No problem," replies the doctor. "Drop it into his coffee, he won't even taste it. Try it and come back in a week to let me know how you got on."

A week later Mrs. Murphy returns to the doctor and he inquires as to how things went.

"Oh it was terrible, just terrible doctor."

"What happened?" asks the doctor.

"Well, I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee. The effect was immediate. He jumped straight up, swept the cutlery off the table, at the same time ripping my clothes off and then proceeded to make passionate love to me on the tabletop. It was terrible."

"What was terrible?" said the doctor, "was the sex not good?"

"Oh no doctor, the sex was the best I've had in 25 years, but I'll never be able to show my face in McDonald's again."

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