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Show and Tell

One of my favorites

A grammar-school teacher from Miami, remembers this Oscar-worthy birth tableau from one of her students...

"I've been teaching now for about fifteen years. I have two kids myself, but the best birth story I know is the one I saw in my own second-grade classroom a few years back. When I was a kid, I loved show-and-tell. So I always have a few sessions with my students. It helps them get over shyness and experience a little public speaking. And it gives me a break and some guaranteed entertainment. Usually, show-and-tell is pretty tame. Kids bring in pet turtles, model airplanes, pictures of fish they catch, stuff like that. And I never, ever place any boundaries or limitations on them. If they want to lug it to school and talk about it, they're welcome.

Well, one day this little girl, Erica, a very bright, very out-going kid, takes her turn and waddles up to the front of the class with a pillow stuffed under her sweater. She holds up a snapshot of an infant. "This is Luke, my baby brother ... and I'm going to tell you about his birthday.

First, Mommy and Daddy made him as a symbol of their love, and then Daddy put a seed in my mother's stomach, and Luke grew in there. He ate for nine months through an umbrella cord."

She's standing there with her hands on the pillow, and I'm trying not to laugh and wishing I had a video camera rolling. The kids are watching her in amazement. "Then, about two Saturdays ago, my mother starts going, 'Oh, oh, oh!'" Erica puts a hand behind her back and groans. Ohhhhhhh "She walked around the house for ... like an hour, "Oh, oh, oh!'"

Now the kid is doing this hysterical duck-walk, holding her back and groaning. "My father called the middle wife. She delivers babies, but she doesn't have a sign on the car like the Domino's man. They got my mother to lie down in bed like this."

Erica lies down with her back against the wall. "And then, pop! My mother had this bag of water she kept in there in case he got thirsty, and it just blew up and spilled all over the bed ... like psshhheew!"

The kid has her legs spread and with her little hands is miming water flowing away. It was too much!

"Then the middle wife starts going "push, push, and breathe, breathe". They start counting, but they never even got past ten. Then, all of a sudden, out comes my brother. He was covered in yucky stuff they said was from the play-center, so there must be a lot of stuff inside there."

Then Erica stood up, took a big theatrical bow and returned to her seat.

I'm sure I applauded the loudest. Ever since then, if it's show-and-tell day, I bring my camcorder ... just in case another Erica comes along."

Confessions of a parish priest

A parish priest was being honored at a dinner on the twenty-fifth anniversary of his arrival in that parish.

A leading local politician, who was a member of the congregation, was chosen to make the presentation and give a little speech at the dinner, but he was delayed in traffic, so the priest decided to say his own few words while they waited.

"You will understand," he said, "the seal of the confessional can never be broken. However, I got my first impressions of the parish from the first confession I heard here.

I can only hint vaguely about this but, when I came here 25 years ago, I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first chap who entered my confessional told me how he had stolen a television set and when stopped by the police, had almost murdered the officer. Further, he told me he had embezzled money from his place of business and had an affair with his boss' wife. I was appalled but, as the days went on, I knew that my people were not all like that, and I had, indeed come to, a fine parish full of understanding and loving people."

Just as the priest finished his talk, the politician arrived, full of apologies at being late. He immediately began to make the presentation and give his talk.

"I'll never forget the first day our parish priest arrived in this parish," said the politician. "In fact, I had the honor of being the first one to go to him in confession."

Protectin not needed

The mother of a 17-year-old girl was concerned that her daughter was having sex. Worried the girl might become pregnant and adversely impact her life, she asked her doctor for advice.

The doctor told her that teenagers today were very willful and any attempt to stop the girl would probably result in rebellion. He then told her to arrange for her daughter to be put on birth control and until then, talk to her and give her a box of condoms.

Later that evening, as her daughter was preparing for a date, the woman told her about the situation and handed her a box of condoms.

The girl burst out laughing and reached over to hug her mother saying: "Oh Mom! You don't have to worry about that! I'm dating Susan!"

Defective Parrot

A guy is browsing in a pet shop and sees a parrot sitting on a little Perch. It doesn't have any feet or legs. The guy says aloud, "Jeesh, I wonder what happened to this Parrot?"

The parrot says, "I was born this way. I'm a defective parrot."

"Holy cow," the guy replies. "You actually understood and answered me!"

"I got every word," says the parrot. "I happen to be a highly intelligent, thoroughly educated bird."

"Oh yeah?" the guy asks, "Then answer this - how do you hang onto your perch without any feet?"

"Well," the parrot says, "this is very embarrassing but since you asked, I wrap my weenie around this wooden bar like a little hook. You can't see it because of my feathers."

"Wow," says the guy. "You really can understand and speak English can't you?"

"Actually, I speak both Spanish and English, and I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any topic: politics, religion, sports, physics, philosophy. I'm especially good at ornithology. You really ought to buy me. I'd be a great companion."

The guy looks at the $200 price tag. "Sorry, but I just can't afford that."

"Pssssssst," says the parrot, "I'm defective, so the truth is, nobody wants me cause I don't have any feet. You can probably get me for $20, just make the guy an offer!"

The guy offers $20 and walks out with the parrot.

Weeks go by. The parrot is sensational. He has a great sense of humor, he's interesting, he's a great pal, he understands everything, he sympathizes, and he's insightful. The guy is delighted.

One day the guy comes home from work and the parrot goes, "psssssssssssst," and motions him over with one wing. "I don't know if should tell you this or not, but it's about your wife and the postman."

"What are you talking about?" asks the guy.

"When the postman delivered the mail today, your wife greeted him at the door in a sheer black nightie and kissed him passionately."

"WHAT???" the guy asks incredulously. "THEN what happened?"

"Well, then the postman came into the house and lifted up her nightie and began petting her all over," reported the parrot.

"Oh No!," he exclaims. "Then what?"

"Then he lifted up the nightie, got down on his knees and began to kiss her all over, starting with her breasts and slowly going down..."

"WELL," demands the frantic guy, "THEN WHAT HAPPENED?"

"Damned if I know. I got a hard-on and fell off my perch!"

Luxury car

A man bought a new Lexus and returned the next day complaining that he couldn't figure out how the radio worked.

The salesman explained that the radio was voice activated.

"Watch this! He said... "Nelson!"

The radio replied, "Ricky or Willie?"

"Willie!" he continued.... And "On the Road Again" came from the speakers.

The man drove away happy, and for the next few days, every time he'd say, "Beethoven", he'd get beautiful classical music, and if he said, "Beatles!" he'd get one of their awesome songs.

One day, a couple ran a red light and nearly creamed her new car, but he swerved in time to avoid them.

"ASSHOLES!" he yelled....

Then the French National Anthem, sung by the Dixie Chicks, began to play.

Revenge

After 17 years of marriage, a man dumped his wife for a younger woman.

The house was in his name and he wanted to remain there with his new love so he asked the wife to move out and then he would buy her another place.

The wife agreed to this, but asked that she be given 3 days on her own there, to pack up her things.

While he was gone, the first day she lovingly put her personal belongings into boxes and crates and suitcases.

On the second day, she had the movers come and collect her things.

On the third day, she sat down for the last time at their candlelit dining table, soft music playing in the background, and feasted on a pound of shrimp and a bottle of Chardonnay.

When she had finished, she went into each room and deposited a few of the resulting shrimp shells into the hollow of the curtain rods. She then cleaned up the kitchen and left.

The husband came back, with his new girl, and all was bliss for the first few days. Then it started; slowly but surely.

Clueless, the man could not explain why the place smelled so bad. They tried everything; cleaned & mopped and aired the place out. Vents were checked for dead rodents, carpets were steam cleaned, air fresheners were hung everywhere. Exterminators were brought in, the carpets were replaced, and on it went.

Finally, they could take it no more and decided to move.

The moving company arrived and did a very professional packing job, taking everything to their new home ... including the curtain rods.

Drunk driving test

A West Virginia State Trooper pulled a car over on I-50 about 2 miles east Parkersburg, West Virginia. When the Trooper asked the driver why he was speeding, the driver answered that he was a magician and a juggler and he was on his way to Marietta, Ohio to do a show that night at the Zembo Shrine Circus and didn't want to be late.

The Trooper told the driver he was fascinated by juggling, and if the driver would do a little juggling for him that he wouldn't give him a ticket.

The driver told the Trooper that he had sent all of his equipment on ahead and didn't have anything to juggle. The Trooper told him that he had some flares in the trunk of his patrol car and asked if he could juggle them.

The juggler stated that he could, so the Trooper got three flares, lit them and handed them to the juggler.

While the man was doing his juggling act, a car pulled in behind the patrol car, a drunk got out and watched the performance briefly, he then went over to the patrol car, opened the rear door and got in.

The Trooper observed him doing this and went over to the patrol car, opened the door and asked the drunk what he thought he was doing.

The drunk replied, "You might as well take my ass to jail, cause there's no way in hell I can pass that test.

Mother-in-law

A couple was dressed and ready to go out for the evening. They turned on a night light, turned the answering machine on, covered their pet parakeet and put the cat in the backyard. They phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi. The taxi arrived and the couple opened the front door to leave their house. The cat they had put out into the yard scoots back into the house. They don't want the cat shut in the house because 'she' always tries to eat the bird. The wife goes out to the taxi while the husband goes inside to get the cat.

The cat runs upstairs, the man in hot pursuit. The wife doesn't want the driver to know the house will be empty. She explains to the taxi driver that her husband will be out soon. "He's just going upstairs to say good-bye to my mother."

A few minutes later, the husband gets into the cab. "Sorry I took so long," he says, as they drive away. "Stupid bitch was hiding under the bed. Had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! Then I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me. But it worked. I hauled her fat ass downstairs and threw her out into the back yard!"

The cab driver hit a parked car...

One Liners

1. Food has replaced sex in my life, now I can't even get into my own pants.

2. The closest I ever got to a 4.0 in school was my blood alcohol content.

3. Marriage changes passion...suddenly you're in bed with a relative.

4. I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it...so I said, "Implants?"

5. I don't do drugs anymore 'cause I find I get the same effect just standing up fast.

6. Sign in a Chinese Pet Store: "Buy one dog, get one flea..."

7. I have my own little world. But it's OK...they know me here.

8. Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

9. I got a sweater for Christmas...I really wanted a screamer or a moaner.

10. If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

11. I don't approve of political jokes...I've seen too many of them get elected.

12. The most precious thing we have is life. Yet it has absolutely no trade-in value.

13. There are two sides to every divorce: Yours and butthead's.

14. I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

15. Shopping tip: You can get shoes for 85 cents at the bowling alley.

16. I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.

17. How come we choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?

18. Isn't having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?

19. Why is it that most nudists are people you don't want to see naked?

20. Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mom's wise words: "Don't pick that up, you don't know where it's been."

Summer romance

As I lay on my bed, thinking about you, I feel this strong urge to grab you and squeeze you, because I can't forget last night.

You came to me unexpectedly during the balmy and calm night, and what happened in my bed still leaves a tingling sensation in me.

You appeared from nowhere and shamelessly, without any reservations, you laid on my naked body... you sensed my indifference, so you applied your hungry mouth to me without any guilt or humiliation, and you drove me near crazy while you drained me. Finally I went to sleep.

Today when I woke up, you were gone. I searched for you but to no avail, only the sheets bore witness to last night's events. My body still bears faint marks of your enthusiastic ravishings, making it harder to forget you.

Tonight I will remain awake waiting for you, you fucking mosquito.

Desperation

Two women friends, incredibly drunk and walking home got caught short. They were very near a graveyard and one of them suggested they do their business behind a head stone or something.

One of them had nothing to wipe with so she thought she'd take off her panties and use them, then throw them away. Her friend however was wearing a rather expensive underwear set and didn't want to ruin hers but was lucky enough to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on one of the graves and proceeded to wipe herself with that. They then made off for home.

The next day one woman's husband phoned the other husband and  said "We'd better keep an eye on our wives you know, mine came  home last night without her panties."

"That's nothing" said the other "Mine came back with a card stuck between her ass that said 'From all the lads at the fire station. We'll never forget you'."

Diary of a Viagra housewife

This is the private diary of a Viagra housewife

Day 1. Just celebrated our 25th wedding anniversary with not much to celebrate. When it came time to re-enact our wedding night, he locked himself in the bathroom and cried.

Day 2. Today, he says he has a big secret to tell me. He's impotent, he says, and he wants me to be the first to know. Why doesn't he tell me something I don't know! I mean, he actually thinks I haven't noticed.

Day 3. This marriage is in trouble. A woman has needs. Yesterday, I saw a  picture of Nelson's Column and burst into tears.

Day 4. A miracle has happened! There's a new drug on the market that  will fix his "problem". It's called Viagra. I think this will work. I replaced his Prozac with the Viagra, hoping to lift something other than his mood.

Day 5. What absolute bliss!!.

Day 6. Isn't life wonderful but it's difficult to write while he's doing that.

Day 7. This Viagra thing has gone to his head. No pun intended! Yesterday, at Burger King, the manager asked me if I'd like a Whopper. He thought they were talking about him. But, have to admit it's very nice - I don't think I've ever been so happy.

Day 8. I think he took too many over the weekend. Yesterday, instead of mowing the lawn, he was using his new friend as a weed whacker. I'm also getting a bit sore down there.

Day 9. No time to write. He might catch me.

Day 10. Okay, I admit it. I'm hiding. I mean, a girl can only take so much. And to make matters worse, he's washing the Viagra down with neat whisky! What am I going to do? I feel tacky all over....

Day 11. I'm basically being screwed to death. It's like living with a Black and Decker drill. I woke up this morning hot-glued to the bed. Even my armpits hurt. He's a complete pig.

Day 12. I wish he was gay. I've stopped wearing make-up, cleaning my teeth or even washing but he still keeps coming after me! Even yawning has become dangerous...

Day 13. Every time I shut my eyes, there's a sneak attack! It's like going to bed with a scud missile. I can hardly walk and if he tries that "Oops, sorry" thing again, I'll kill the bastard!

Day 14. I've done everything to turn him off. Nothing is working. I even started dressing like a nun but this just seems to make him more horny. Help me!

Day 15. I think I'll have to kill him. I'm starting to stick to everything I sit on. The cat and dog won't go near him and our friends don't come over anymore. Last night I told him to go and f##k himself and he did.

Day 16. The bastard has started to complain about headaches. I hope the bloody thing explodes. I did suggest he might try stopping the Viagra and going back on Prozac.

Day 17. Switched the pills but it doesn't seem to have made any difference...Christ! Here he comes again!

Day 18. He's back on Prozac. The lazy sod just sits there in front of the TV all day with that remote control in his hand and expects me to do everything for him. What absolute bliss!

New candy

The Cadbury's Candy and the Bayer Drug companies have combined to market the new Mint flavored birth control pill that women may take immediately before sex.

They will be distributed by the large major drug store chains and Walmart's Pharmacies.

They're going to be called: Predickamints.

Self-esteem

A mild-mannered man was tired of being bossed around by his wife; so he went to a psychiatrist.  The psychiatrist said he needed to build his self-esteem, and so gave him a book on assertiveness, which he read on the way home.

He had finished the book by the time he reached his house. The man stormed into the house and walked up to his wife. Pointing a finger in her face, he  said, "From now on, I want you to know that I'm the man of this house, and my word is law!  I want you to prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, I expect a sumptuous dessert afterward.  Then, after dinner, you're going to draw me my bath so I can relax. And when I'm finished with my bath, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?"

"The f**king funeral director," said his wife.

Letter from Santa

Dear Friends.

I have been watching you very closely to see if you have been good this year and since you have I will be telling my elves to make some goodies for me to leave under your tree at Christmas. I was going to bring you all gifts from the 12 days of Christmas, but we had a little problem.

The 12 fiddlers fiddling have all come down with VD from fiddling with the 10 ladies dancing, the 11 lords leaping have knocked up the 8 maids a-milking, and the 9 pipers piping have been arrested for doing weird things to the 7 swans a- swimming. The 6 geese a-laying, 4 calling birds, 3 French hens, 2 turtle doves and the partridge in a pear tree have me up to my sled runners in bird crap.

On top of all this Mrs. Claus is going through menopause, 8 of my reindeer are in heat, the elves have joined the gay liberation and some people who can't read a calendar have scheduled Christmas for the 5th of January.

Maybe next year I will be able to get my act together and bring you the things you want.

This year I suggest you get your butts down to Walmart before everything is gone.

Love Santa

Luck 'O the Irish

Mrs. O'Donovan was walking down O'Connell Street in Dublin, and coming toward her in the opposite direction was Father O'Rafferty.

"Hello," said the Father, "and how is Mrs. O'Donovan? Didn't I marry ya two years ago?"

She replied, "Aye, that you did, Father."

"And be there any little ones yet?"

"No, not yet, Father," said she.

"Well now, I'm going to Rome next week. I'll light a candle fer ya."

"Oh, thank ya, Father." And away she went.

Some years later they met again. "Well now, Mrs. O'Donovan," said the Father, "how are you?"

"Oh, very well," said she.

"And tell me," he said, "Have you any little ones yet?"

"Oh yes, Father. I've had three sets of twins, and four singles - oh yes, ten in all."

"Now isn't that wonderful!" he said. "And how is your wonderful husband?"

"Oh," she said, "E's gone to Rome to blow out yer' fookin' candle."

New Taliban strategy

The latest ploy to drive the Taliban and Al Queda out of the mountains of Afghanistan is to send in a team of Alabama Special Forces. Billy Bob, Bubba, Boo, Scooter, and Cooter are being sent in with the following information about the Taliban:

1. There is no limit.
2. The season opened last weekend.
3. They taste just like chicken.
4. They don't like beer, pickup trucks, country music, or Jesus.
5. Some are queer.
6. They don't like barbeque.
7. They were responsible for Dale Earnhardt's death.

Should be over in just about a week.

PERFECT MALE BREAKFAST

You're sitting at the table and you're on the cover of Forbes.

Your son is on the box of Wheaties.

Your mistress is on the cover of Playboy.

Your wife is on the back of the milk carton.

25 signs you've grown up

1. Your potted plants are alive. And you can't smoke a one of them.
2. Having sex in a twin-sized bed is absurd.
3. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.
4. 6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to sleep.
5. You hear your favorite song on an elevator.
6. You carry an umbrella. You watch the Weather Channel.
7. Your friends marry and divorce instead of hookup and breakup.
8. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 7.
9. Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as 'dressed up.'
10. You're the one calling the police because those darn kids next door don't know how to turn down the stereo.
11. Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.
12. You don't know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.
13. Your car insurance goes down and your car payments go up.
14. You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonald's.
15. Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.
16. You no longer take naps from noon to 6 p.m.
17. Dinner and a movie - The whole date instead of the beginning of one.
18. Eating a basket of chicken wings at 3 a.m. would severely upset, rather than settle, your stomach.
19. You go to the drugstore for Ibuprofen and antacids, not condoms and pregnancy test kits.
20. A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer 'pretty good stuff.'
21. You actually eat breakfast foods at breakfast time.
22. "I just can't drink the way I used to," replaces "I'm never going to
drink that much again."
23. Over 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work.
24. You don't drink at home to save money before going to a bar.
25. You read this entire list looking for one sign that doesn't apply to you!

The New Drink

This guy and his girlfriend head to the local bar.

The girl says she'll be happy to pick up the round as she's heard of a new drink she wants him to try.

She returns to their table and has two drinks for him. One is a measure of Bailey's. The other full is of lime juice.

She says, "Ok, what you have to do is swig the Bailey's, hold it in your mouth, and then chase it with the lime juice."

He looks a little dubious but does as he's told because she's really cute when she's enthusiastic and he noticed a gleam in her eyes.

First he drinks in the Bailey's. Smooth. Creamy. A warm feeling in his mouth. Then he chugs the lime juice.

After about a second, the cream in the Bailey's curdles in his mouth. Two seconds into it his face turns the color of fresh lime juice. Three seconds and he's finally able to calm his stomach enough to swallow the mess.

As he makes a face, she whispers sweetly in his ear, "It's called 'Blowjob Revenge'."

The most functional word

Well, it's shit........That's right, shit!

Shit may just be the most functional word in the English language.

Consider:
You can be shit faced,
shit out of luck,
or have shit for brains.

With a little effort, you can:
get your shit together,
find a place for your shit
or decide to shit or get off the pot.

You can smoke shit,
buy shit,
sell shit,
lose shit,
find shit,
forget shit,
and tell others to eat shit and die.

Some people know their shit, while others
can't tell the difference between shit and shineola.

There are lucky shits,
dumb shits,
crazy shits
and sweet shits.

There is bull shit,
horse shit and
chicken shit.

You can throw shit,
sling shit,
catch shit,
shoot shit,
or duck when shit hits the fan.

You can give a shit or
serve shit on a shingle.
You can find yourself in deep shit
or be happier than a pig in shit.

Some days are colder than shit,
some days are hotter than shit,
and some days are just plain shitty.

Some music sounds like shit,
things can look like shit,
and there are times when you feel like shit.

You can have too much shit,
not enough shit,
the right shit,
the wrong shit or
a lot of weird shit.

You can carry shit,
have a mountain of shit,
or find yourself up a shit creek without a paddle.

Sometimes everything you touch turns to shit
and other times you fall in a bucket of shit
and come out smelling like a rose.
When you stop to consider all the facts,
it's the basic building block of creation.

And remember, once you know your shit,
you don't need to know anything else!

You could pass this along, if you give a shit!

FERTILIZER CLUB

This letter is being sent to you because we know you are critically interested in your front lawn, and this summer season will soon be upon us. This is a fertilizer club and will not cost you a cent to join.

Upon receipt of this letter, go to the address at the top of this list and shit on their front lawn. You won't be the only one there, so don't be embarrassed.

Then make five copies of this letter and send it to five of your friends who appreciate good lawns. You will not get any money or checks, but within one week if this chain is not broken, there will be 9,216 people shitting on your front lawn.

Your reward will come next summer when you will have the greenest lawn in your neighborhood.

PS: If you are constipated, pass this along to your neighbors. DO NOT BREAK THIS CHAIN... One man didn't give a shit and lost his entire lawn.

Warning

Most of you have read the scare-mail about the person whose kidneys were stolen while he was passed out. While that was an "urban legend," this one is not. It's happening every day. I'm sending this "warning" only to a few of my closest friends. You too may have been a victim read on. ..

My thighs were stolen from me during the night of August 3rd a few years ago. It was just that quick. I went to sleep in my body and woke up with someone else's thighs. The new ones had the texture of cooked oatmeal. Who would have done such a cruel thing to legs that had been wholly, if imperfectly, mine for years? Whose thighs were these? What happened To mine?

I spent the entire summer looking for them. I searched, in vain, at pools and beaches, anywhere I might find female limbs exposed. I became obsessed.

I had nightmares filled with cellulite and flesh that turns to bumps in the night. Finally, hurt and angry, I resigned myself to living out my life in jeans and Sheer Energy pantyhose.

Then, just when my guard was down, the thieves struck again. My rear end was next. I knew it was the same gang, because they took pains to match my new rear end (although badly attached at least three inches lower than the original) to the thighs they had stuck me with earlier. Now my rear complemented my legs, lump for lump. Frantic, I prayed that long skirts would stay in fashion.

Two years ago I realized my arms had been switched. One morning while fixing my hair, I watched, horrified but fascinated, as the flesh of my upper arms swung to and fro with the motion of the hairbrush. This was really getting scary. My body was being replaced, cleverly and fiendishly, one section at a time. In the end, in deepening despair, I gave up my T-shirts.

What could they do to me next? Age? Age had nothing to do with it. Age was supposed to creep up, unnoticed and intangible, something like maturity.

NO, I was being attacked, repeatedly and without warning. That's why I've decided to share my story; I can't take on the medical profession by myself.

Women of America, wake up and smell the coffee! That isn't really "plastic" those surgeons are using. You know where they're getting those replacement parts, don't you? The next time you suspect someone has had a face "lifted," look again! Was it lifted from you?

Check out those tummy tucks and buttocks raisings. Look familiar? Are those your eyelids on that movie star? I think I finally may have found my thighs... and, I hope that Cindy Crawford paid a really good price for them!

This is NOT a hoax! This is happening to women in every town, every night. Warn your friends!!!

The Mental Institution

A repairman is walking through a mental institution. He comes up to the first room and sees a man swinging an imaginary baseball bat.

"What the hell are you doing?" he asks.

"I'm Babe Ruth. As soon as I hit a homerun I'm out of here," replies the man.

The repairman wishes him well and continues on his way.

In the next room, there's a guy swinging an imaginary golf club.

"What the hell are YOU doing?" he asks.

"I'm Arnold Palmer. As soon as I make a hole in one I'm out of here!" replies the man.

The repairman shakes his head and comes up to the next room.

There's a guy sitting naked balancing a peanut on the tip of his dick.

"What the hell are you doing!" he asks.

"I'm fucking nuts, I'm never getting out of here!"

Two Dwarfs

Two dwarfs go into a bar, where they pick up two prostitutes and take them to their separate hotel rooms.

The first dwarf, however, is unable to get an erection. His depression is made worse by the fact that, from the next room, he hears his little friend houting out cries of "Here I come again ... ONE, TWO, THREE... UUH!" all night long.

In the morning, the second dwarf asks the first, "How did it go?"

The first mutters, "It was so embarrassing. I simply couldn't get a hard on."

The second dwarf shook his head. "You think that's embarrassing? I couldn't even get on the bed!"

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