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Reincarnation

Tom did like he always does, kissing his wife, crawling into bed and falling to sleep. All of a sudden, he wakes up with an elderly man dressed in a white robe standing in front of his bed.

"What the hell are you doing in my bedroom?...and who are you?" he asked.

"This is not your bedroom," the man replied, "I am St. Peter, and you are in heaven."

"WHAT! Are you saying I'm dead? I don't want to die! I'm too young," said Tom. "I want you to send me back immediately."

"It's not that easy", said St. Peter. "You can only return as a dog or a hen. The choice is your own."

Tom thought about it for a while, and figured out that being a dog is too tiring, but a hen probably has a nice and relaxed life. Running around with a rooster can't be that bad.

"I want to return as a hen," Tom replied.

And in the next second, he found himself in a chicken run, really nicely feathered. But now he felt like his rear end was gonna blow. Then along came the rooster.

"Hey, you must be the new hen St. Peter told me about," he said. "How do you like being a hen?"

"Well, OK I guess, but it feels like my ass is about to explode."

"Oh that!" said the rooster. "That's only the ovulation going on. You need to lay an egg."

"How do I do that?" Tom asked.

"Cluck twice, and then you push all you can."

Tom clucked twice and pushed more than he was good for, and then 'plop' an egg was on the ground.

"Wow" Tom said. "That felt really good!" So he clucked again and squeezed. And you better believe that there was yet another egg on the ground. The third time he clucked, he heard his wife shout:

"Tom!! For cryin' out loud! Wake up! You're shittin' all over the bed!"

The Greek and the Italian

A Greek and Italian were sitting in a Starbuck's one day discussing who had the superior culture.

Over triple lattes the Greek guy says, "Well, we have the Parthenon."

Arching his eyebrows, the Italian replies, "We have the Coliseum."

The Greek retorts, "We Greeks gave birth to advanced mathematics."

The Italian, nodding agreement, says, "But we built the Roman Empire."

And so on and so on, until the Greek comes up with what he thinks will end the discussion. With a flourish of finality he says, "We invented sex!"

The Italian replies, "That may be true, but it was Italians who introduced it to women!"

The Football Fan

After the big football game, John figured he better spend some quality time with his wife. He climbs upstairs, walks into the bedroom and crawls into bed.

"Alright honey," he says, "Give me a play you want me to run."

"How about foreplay?" his wife replies.

"What's the Four Play?" says John.

"You know," the wife says, "It happens before the two-minute warning."

Etiquette Class

During an etiquette class, a teacher is trying to teach her students good manners to follow while on a dinner date. "Michael," she asks one of the students, "if you were on a date, having supper with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?"

"Just a minute," replies Michael, "I have to go piss."

"That would be rude and impolite!" exclaimed the teacher. "What about you, John, how would you say it?"

"I'm sorry," answered John, "but I really need to go to the bathroom. I'll be right back."

"That's better," said the teacher, nodding, "but it's still not very nice to say the word 'bathroom' at the table. And you, Peter, are you able to use your intelligence for once and show us your good manners?" she asked.

Peter smiled and responded, "I would say, 'Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope you'll get to meet after supper.'"

The teacher fainted.

Elephant and Camel

An elephant asks a camel: "Why are your breasts on your back?"

Well" says the camel, "I think that's a strange question from somebody whose dick is on his face"

New Study

A South American Scientist, from Argentina, after a lengthy study, has discovered that people who do not have enough sexual activity in their life read web pages with their hand on the mouse...
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Don't bother taking it off, it's too late......

New Vehicle

A couple had been debating buying a vehicle for weeks.

He wanted a truck. She wanted a fast little sports-like car so she could zip through traffic around town.

He would probably have settled on any beat up old truck, but everything she seemed to like was way out of their price range.

"Look!" she said. "I want something that goes from 0 to 200 in just a few seconds. Nothing else will do. My birthday is coming up so surprise me!"

He did just that. For her birthday, he bought her a brand new bathroom scale.

Nobody has seen or heard from him since!

Revenge

Mildred, the church gossip, and self-appointed monitor of the church's morals, kept sticking her nose into other people's business. Several members did not approve of her extra-curricular activities, but feared her enough to maintain their silence.

She made a mistake, however, when she accused George, a new member, of being an alcoholic after she saw his old pickup parked in front of the town's only bar one afternoon.

She emphatically told George and several others that everyone seeing it there would know what he was doing. George, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and just turned and walked away. He didn't explain, defend, or deny. He said nothing.

Later that evening, George quietly parked his pickup in front of Mildred's house............. and left it there all night.

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